Ma took me out for a trot yesterday afternoon. It felt so great. I waltzed along like a real wolfhound, just took it easy and let the wind blow through my hair. It’s so good just being Ma and me. I simply can’t stand having to walk alongside that piece of Pitty.
When we got home the thing had it’s ears pinned back and was looking vexed. So Ma took her out alone too.
She was so pleased with herself she lay down and roared like a dragon when she got back. I tell you no lies when she opens that cavernous crater she calls a mouth you’d think fire was coming from it.
Peace didn’t last long though. When she got her breath back she started teasing me. It’s torture. A man can’t get a moment to just sit and chill.
So I read the riot act.
Put her right back in her place. I’m the numero uno around here! Done deal!
Last night when Ma was sipping her fizz she was watching Dame Mary Berry in a new program on PBS.
It’s about ancient places in the UK and the old families who live there.
I was thinking it might be boring so was getting Mega stirred up until I heard the word scone!
Usually, as you know, I supervise there production on Monday for Ma’s Tearoom.
The scone that Mary was taking about is a big stone. Sometimes Ma’s things turn out like stones too if she forgets the baking powder.
Dad and me and Mega don’t mind. They are still tasty. We smack them up!
Regardless, this big stone at scone is the sacred spot on which kings and queens of England sit when they are crowned.
Imagine that! Maybe why Mary’s getting chummy with the future Queen!
I prefer a softer seat thanks but that Cranachan food they give them afterwards that Mary made might make it worthwhile. Made me very hungry.
Clean got my appetite going it did and made me think maybe Mega could be trained to sit and stay on a stone, preferably about a million miles from here! After all she claims to be a Princess.
Greetings Pitty Peeps. Bet you’ve been hoping it would be your very own Princess publishing today.
I know how much you love me and how boring the old Grey Gizz can be.
This morning in the spirit of charity, wisdom and understanding I am going to say a word of thanks to him even though I know he hates me.
See, even if it’s not official he has been teaching me a few tricks.
These are mostly not innate to my nature but, as an example, thanks to Gizzy I can now “Point”.
I practice this primarily on outing with Ma and Auntie Denise but I’m also using my skills indoors when I sense the deer crossing in the yard or a tufty noshing a nut on the patio.
So now you could say I am Princess Pretty Pitty Pointer! Could come in useful if I ever get more series about my publications and becoming a media star.
I sincerely believe there is a need for a star like me. Dolly Parton can only live so long! Y’all are great but I’m sure the whole world needs Pitty Power.
Kissing the Gizz was not easy but it shows how serious I am about this love lark. Start with your enemies dear peeps smack them a big one on the muzzle this morning.
We’d just got back from our walk this morning and Ma was eating her brekkie and having her second cup of Joe when the monster roared.
We’d been quietly watching the TODAY program and had hit on a new show that Ma thought looked like fun and was planning to watch.
Mega springs at me and then flies past me onto the sofa. She’s like a canine canon ball. Could take you out in a single shot.
From the sofa she takes to barking and teasing me. Pure torture. Just take a look at those teeth. Like something you’d see in one of those dangerous dog documentaries.
I got her in hand quickly though. I’m no cartoon character I’m for real as superheroes go.
Ma was thankful for my diligence in allowing her to catch the end of the segment.
She was disappointed though that this show is only on the streaming service Peacock.
I’m delighted to hear this. Far to many women. Two are more than plenty for me to deal with!
Today I’m philosophizing. So stop now if you’re not into that!
We have these games that sit on the trolley in our dining room. It’s a good place for them because much like the trolley they never are used.
One is the game of LIFE. We’ve never played it. We are always full of good intentions to do that over a holiday weekend but then we all eat too much and fall asleep instead.
There are two dogs on that trolley that are also ornaments. They don’t bark or bite but they remind my Mom of her Granny Barr on a daily basis so they do serve some purpose.
The same might be said for this gigantic pillow the bro bought Dad a few years ago. Dad doesn’t use it at all and it gets in the way of the bro’s sprawl when he’s home but it serves as a good back warmer for me.
So now to the fifty million dollar question.
What is the purpose of the Pitty?
Maybe in Mom’s eye she can be endearing.
In mine she is a waste of space that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I may choose to go to jail if she grows any more.
There again maybe I could get her stuffed and make some money out of her if she reaches her full potential.
See, what happened was that Mega was being particularly obnoxious yesterday evening.
The bro was off work and he and Mom were watching a Netflix about this horrible serial killer. Dad was reading he doesn’t do that sort of serial stuff.
Meg was at my ankles and then my throat and really getting up my nose. I was concentrating on that other evil being.
So when she leapt again I took a go at her and I made a big bobo.
The bro tossed me out to chill in the screened porch. I was nearly overcome with all the pollen from the annuals Ma had just bought. What the heck she needs with all this extra work is beyond me when she could be walking us instead but that’s another story. She’ll be complaining about having to water and that she has to do everything in another week or two!!!
Anyway back to the injury, I am now making amends by tending to the wound.
It is really nasty and I feel bad and sad and know that I was wrong.
Well as anyone with a titter of wit would know there were going to be consequences of yesterday’s epicurean extravaganza for the Pit.
First, it got my Mom in a mighty mad mood so when we got frisky she tossed us out of the house onto the patio.
We were left to chew things over while Mom got her composure under control.
The “Thing” had the audacity to take my seat and even took to basking in the sun for a while. She was still feeling fine.
After a nap Mom was good again and took us separately for a trot. So our human got her steps in and we got some one on one attention.
I was relaxing for the evening when Godzilla Girl jumps up and races to the back door and starts pawing at it to get out.
Poor Mom had to accommodate the crisis as of course the bro was at work.
I understand from the detailed report given to Dad that there were three explosions. We wondered if we might need to seek medical advice.
Fortunately this happened just before “Call the Midwife” started or murder may have been committed.
On the other hand if it had been in the middle of Midwife I might have been delivered a life of peace and quiet. Instead, who knows how long this little stinker might stick around.
I suppose I will just have to labor on and hope the next episode does her in!
Greetings my passionate Pitty Peeps. I know you’ve been missing me and now I need your help as I am in the deepest of deep dung.
See this morning started out great. Granny’s back is a good deal better so we all got to go out with Auntie Denise for a big walk to the park!
The horsy halter technique is working so well at keeping me in check Granny can hold me with a finger.
She was feeling great as her osmanthus is blooming and the aroma is heavenly.
I behaved like a saint even when I met other dogs who wanted to get up close and personal.
Granny was all smiles and so proud. That should be a warning to all of you as you know Pitty proverbs say « pride comes before a fall ».
Fortunately she didn’t take a tumble. It’s worse.
When we left Denise and just as we passed the last house before home I hit on some material that had been dragged from a ditch.
Granny wasn’t too fussed until the wind blew the smell her way.
Well let me tell you it was delicious. Putrefying perfection! Like something that had died and been rotting for months.
She started screaming said it was unspeakably bad and that I had to spit it out immediately.
Of course I resisted strongly even when she tried to choke me. So she went right into my mouth and yanked it out.
That was just the start of the trouble. She then had to bag it up so I couldn’t retrieve it and she nearly passed out such was the power of the perfume
As soon as we came inside I dove into the water bowl as it was hot as hades. Meanwhile Granny is screaming « Scooby don’t you touch that water » and snatched it away from me. She only ever thinks about « her baby boy »
Next a process of intense sterilization ensues. The bowl is taken to the laundry room and she starts washing her paws and the bowl first with soap and then with bleach and then more soap and then more bleach but she couldn’t get rid of the smell.
By now she is running late for church so she hauls me upstairs to Dad who is snoring and screams at him « your dog is going to be sick » and slams the door.
I understand that she had to wash her hands another half dozen times and rub them with a half bottle of gel sanitizer to get rid of the stink.
Of course when she came home she felt a bit sorry for being so horrible to me since I’m still just a Pretty Pitty Puppy so she gave me some more water after of course the Gizz got his.
To say I now have the breath of a deceased dragon is an underestimation so she hit on an idea. Feed me mint.
So she drags me out to her garden and says “eat”.
Get real Granny!
Not only is this green as grass it smells like something a Pekingese might try but not a Pitty like me.
She pulls a bit and brings it inside to try to trick me that it’s a treat.
Nothing doing for me Granny but guess what old Gizzy he’s game to try. He’s half Poddle you know and such an old goody two shoes. Would do anything to get in Granny’s good book.
So please dear Peeps can you petition the almighty to forgive me and to restore my haleine to its usual kibble qualities as quickly as is Pitty Possible. If you’re not religious just remind Granny God loves me no matter what.
We forgot until Ma came home from work with a new shopping bag.
Seems Meijer was giving them away as a means to minimize the use of plastic bags. Great gift Meijer!
It’s a cool one. Got all the cities in Ohio on it so could serve as a map at a pinch too!
Ma says it’s robust and a perfect size to fold up and put in her purse or handbag as she calls it. As long as she remembers to put a few treats in it too I’ll be happy.
In spite of what I said in my previous epistle she was a bit frazzled last night as she has had such a good week at the Tearoom there has been a scone shortage.
So we had to bake for her full house today. I took my position to supervise.
Being environmentally conscious when we switch on the oven we try to make the most of it so we always make a mini mountain.
Usually this results in one or two « imperfects » or seconds. None of these are lost though.
Mega and I wait for the call to dive into these but yesterday the call didn’t come.
The demon was so disappointed all she got were the sticky bits scraped from the baking tray.
Don’t tell her this was not the case for me I just got my treat from the baking bonanza. Ma cooked the egg she uses for the glaze and kept it for my brekkie.
I’ve just had it with my kibble. Mega would be « green » with envy if she knew. It’s such an honor being an environmental hero!
Booming Banter 